Today I read a text message that read “Recovery begins when we surrender.” I have chosen to surrender. I know that I have a mental illness, but yet I want to live my life based off of decisions that I have made for years with a mental illness. That is just insanity. I am learning to feel all over again and to trust. Yesterday I spoke with a woman that is a former battered woman. We were talking about the feeling of being stripped of the things and realizing that they are just things. I know that I have to start right were I am at to begin to recover. That start might involve “titles” that don’t sound or look that good, but I have peace of mind. I have been trying to be in some of the circles that I was in before the breakdown and I feel so out of place. I am grateful for my mind. I have experienced life for myself, not through someone telling me about it, but me going through walking the streets talking to myself. They say that schizophrenia is hereditary and environmental. I think that a lot of my mental illness has come from the choices that I have made in my life whether I was making them consciously or subconsciously. Had a higher power not intervened in my life by slowing me down, who knows where I would be. The first step to getting better is to admit that there is a problem. My mind is my greatest asset and my greatest liability. I kn0w that I need people more today then I thought that I needed them yesterday, but not from a needy, “if you leave me then I might go crazy way,” but from a healthy “I don’t know everything and I can’t make it in this world alone” kind of way. I am choosing to recover.
I am an Alcoholic
A couple of days ago I was on the phone with a woman that I met through the Narcotics Anonymous program. We talked for about 2 hours and we had soooo much in common. At some point during the conversation, she said “So, Chantaye have you come to identify yourself as an alcohlic ?” I started laughing at her and I told her that I was a social drinker, but not an alcoholic. She laughed back at me and then asked “So what words would you use to describe an alcoholic?” I was speachless and I laughed again and said I am an alcoholic. I would socially drink. I had my first drink when I was 17. The problem with my social drinking is that it would be binge drinking. One glass of wine would turn into 4 glasses. One shot of Patron would turn into 20 shots and a bottle of Moet to go with it. I was the fun drink, so I did not think that it was a problem. I would just laugh. I have had 4 incidents were I have blacked out while drinking, waking up to my skirt about to be pulled up or my pants about to be pulled down by so-called “male friends.” Thank Goid that I have never been raped while drinking. The other problem with this is my father died in front of me when I was 9 years old. My dad too was a social drinker. We did not have liquor in the house, but one day at a barbeque, he took a bet that he could not take a pint of Jack Daniels to the head. Needless to say, he lost the bet. I never thought about how my once or twice a year drinking bouts and the effects that they may have had on my son and his future. Everyday I learn more about me and I understand that the mental illness is just a part of the problem, to get new results I have to try new things. Giving up drinking is one of those new things.
Blah, Blah, Blah
Schizophrenia is like being 50 people, but only being 1 person. It is different than multiple personality disorder because you never become an entirely new person. So, I have been in marketing, sales, public relations, insurance, modeling, advocacy, promoter, club owner, speaker, consultant, mother in one lifetime. Every year there was something new. I would be being and doing about 5 things at one time. The problem is, if I am not busy then I get really stuck. The meds haven’t cured that or taken away my ability to want to be doing something. I wake up everyday to stillness and silence, so I remember the importance of rest and silence, however I love a good adrenaline rush. Right now my hands are in multiple things and I keep looking for the adrenaline rush, but I am only finding peace. I did all types of self-help to get to peace, now I am looking for the adrenaline rush again (go figure). I have added on a partner who is introducing me to more politicians, grant writers, similar intiatives and handling the strategic planning for Urban Integrity (my consulting company that I have been doing nothing with). I also have someone that was active in the Civil Rights, but went unknown, who is working as my Community Organizer. He has given himself this title and he wants to introduce me to people that he marched with and help me get some speaking engagements. Today I had lunch with someone that was just cast onto a reality tv show. She moves into the house at the end of the month and she also has a show of her own. With her show she talks about sex and food. She just invited me to the next taping that will include a former NFL player. Tomorrow I have a meeting to utilize someone’s 501(c)3 as my fiscal agent until I have my own nonprofit. Next week I have a meeting at a studio to possibly be working as a producer on a feature film. Last night I met with the producer from the community based tv channel for the show that I am looking to launch. Blah, Blah, Blah. And it all still means nothing. I feel like I am everywhere and no where. I realize that no matter what I do, I still have a mental illness and I realize that life still does go on beyond the mental illness. I don’t want to get caught up being so busy and relying on the next best fit of an adrenaline rush to sustain me and free me from this thing called life. I also do not want to get stagnant and do nothing and let life and opportunities pass me by. This thing called getting back into society is confronting. It challenges all of the things in me that want to be nothing and do nothing AND it calls to the thing in me that things that I am capable of being anything and everything. I don’t know if it is the mental illness or if it is just that thing called growing up.
Spirituality
I remember being 21 at Burning Bush C.O.G.I.C. church in Michigan. Pastor Shelby preached a sermon about backsliding. He said that life is harder after you backslide because you know better. I now understand that sermon. I stopped being a church girl to be a girl that worked in strip clubs, dated drug dealers and loved the night life. Every year it seems as if I would compromise myself and my sprituality more and more, until it was almost nonexistent. Before being diagnosed with the mental illness, I knew that there was something wrong, I just did not know what it was. I tried to “fix” me on several occasions. I did Landmark Education, Dao, Tai Chi, Chi Qong, Christianity and I am a member of Truth. I would go to weekend peace retreats and try almost anything that seemed to bring me closer to peace of mind. I even tried EFT taping and nothing seemed to work. My lifecoach (tried that too) said to me once, stop focusing on world peace and start focusing on you having peace. I thought that if I did enough good then maybe I could get me a seat into Heaven and maybe even experience some of that peace here on Earth. When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I turned agnostic. I could not believe that after all of the prayers, books read and retreats that God would make this my reality and my life. I am one of the few women in my recovery program. The courts did not know where to put me, so I am in a program with former drug and substance abuse addicts. In this program is where I have found peace of mind and spirituality on a level that I never knew. When I first got into recovery, I attended about 3 Narcotics Anonymous meetings a day. The thing that I thought that was my curse has turned out to be my blessing. God works in mysterious ways, the catch is to never box God.
2012 Resolutions, Commitments
When something is in your head, it is just a thought. When something is spoken it then becomes a dream or a wish. When something is in writing, it is a plan.
In 2012 I am committed to:
- Finishing my book of poetry that I began during my breakdown.
- I am also committing to writing a book about this journey.
- Becoming a Public Speaker
- Getting my peer specialist certification
- Taking the GRE
- Getting into someone’s Masters Program
- Toning my body (last year I was in a book Naturally Thin or Disciplined, I now need to tone my body)
- Taping a show on mental illness
- Putting an EA group on the Westside of Atlanta
- Purchasing a home
- Launching a nonprofit organization
- Loving myself and appreciating the person that I am growing into
To Smart For Your Own Good
One of the biggest misconceptions of mental illness is that a person is slow or unintelligent. Last night I was speaking to someone that was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was 13. She graduated highschool at the age of 15. She was able to excel in her professional career because she was always intelligent and upbeat. It is so easy to fall into the illness without anyone knowing because mental illness affects your thoughts. I can dress up on the outside and have great conversation and still be suffering. There is no cure for mental illness. The medication makes it possible to notice when my thoughts are racing and it allows the delusions to go away, but there is still no cure. I have started getting back “busy” doing things and that is all part of the make up of my personality. The only difference is I have no outward passion because the meds are meant to bring me down. When I am triggered, people have asked me if I were on cocaine. I am EXTREMELY upbeat and high energy. It was great for me working in sales and marketing, but terrible for functioning in society on a day-to-day basis. I have met several people now that have bubbly personalities and they are really intelligent and they have a mental illness. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder do not discriminate. They are not classist and you can’t win a popularity contest with them. They just are. There is no way to intellectualize yourself or anyone that you know out of the illness. Taking medications is the only way to be “normal.”
The Meaning of Life
I am almost afraid of what someone might say to question the meaning of life. Since the diagnosis, anything of intellect almost seems to be a symptom of one of the diagnosis. For me to question life out loud, I am afraid of the questions of if I am suicidal. If I disagree with what someone says or does, then it is the schizophrenia. I was always strong minded and opinionated. It is like the mental illness has taken away my voice. I want to be normal again or at least in my own comfort zone so the thoughts and feelings that I sometimes have frustrate me. The irony is this is the most normal that I have been in years. The most functioning and I have to question the meaning of life. It is like everyone is dancing to a creation of their own delusion, yet I am the one that suffers from delusions. I once participated in Landmark Education and the founder said “the world is a play,” everyday I see people play out their lives and I wonder if we are all suffering from trying to find and define the meaning of life. I know extremly wealthy people and they seem to be on a quest of still finding something that is missing. I know extremly poor people who are totally content so it is not the money or the social status. I don’t know if I will ever discover the meaning of life, but what I do know is that I can only write this inquiry because for me to speak it outloud would lead to more frowns then less and I am not ready for that.
Please Watch
Please watch this video: Difficulty of Diagnosing. Before I was diagnosed, I changed jobs over 40+ times, sometimes working 2-3 at a time. I am 32. I moved once or twice a year on average. Most just thought that I was eclectic. When I see these videos and read up on my diagnosis, they are so accurate. I would leave my jobs for no apparent reason. I would sometimes have sex with strangers and then fall into depression afterwards because I could not figure out why I did what I did. I would have huge burst of energy, that I now know is called mania. If you or someone that you know have the symptoms of mental illness, even if you don’t think that you have a problem, please get checked out. Let a professional diagnose you instead of you diagnosing you.
The PosterChild of Mental Illness
When I agreed to start speaking out on mental illness, my main driving force was and somewhat still is totally self-centered. I wanted to find others with stories like mine so that I did not feel like I was in this world alone with all of these thoughts and feelings. I am normal when I am on my medication, but when I am off, I can be almost anyone and almost anywhere. Most around would just call me “fun” when I am not taking the medications. This posterchild of mental illness thing is somewhat scary and very confronting. As my mother and stepdad explain to others why my son lives with them now, my mental illness comes up. So although it is the Christmas holiday, my brothers school teacher is going to be coming by to discuss her bipolar son that is in jail and how she feels that the laws should be changed to give parents the rights to their mentally ill children when they stop taking their meds. Her son is currently on suicide watch. These are the moments when I want to be different and not like the “crazy people.” It is confronting as hell to know that I am just like them, I am one of the crazy people. I was in jail, with no medication. I remember being in the cell with the girl and pissing on myself in the bed, then putting my hand in my urine and rubbing it on my face. I did it because my cellmate told me that she was there for aggravated assault and I was afraid of her trying to do something to me so I wanted to let her know that I was truly crazy. She started beating on the door, screaming and yelling. She was afraid to sleep in the cell with me, however, I slept just fine. That 3 weeks in jail, was the longest 3 weeks of my life. I am sure that this journey will unfold more stories that I can relate to instead of me being different than or better than. So I am going to get my coffee and be prepared for the afternoon of “crazy stories.” I don’t know what this woman is looking for exactly, but hopefully I can bring her some comfort in me being “normal.”
Tis the season
Today was Christmas and I am ever reminded of all of the things that there are to be grateful for. The boys (Bryce and my 8-yr old little brother) opened their gifts and loved them. My stepdads entire family came over. His sister was showing her brand new 2-door Cadillac with the ribbon still on the front. My stepsister was talking about being in the military and how there have been talks of deployment and you could see the fear in her face, hoping that she doesn’t have to go to war. While my other stepsister, all of 23 talked of wanting to change her circle of friends and how she loves her jewelry and handbags. My mother was printing obituaries for her best friend whose husband just died, the funeral is tomorrow. This Christmas was filled with life, death, gratitude, wisdom and youth. I felt like I was on the outside looking into the lives of strangers. I was an outsider looking into the lives of strangers. I was and have been so disconnected, rarely spending holidays with the family, chasing my version of success and happiness, that I had missed many of the simple things. My stepsister said something about her husband and I was oblivious to the fact that she had married her boyfriend. I watched the youthfulness of my 23 year old stepsister as she strutted in her 5 inch heels and 6 inch mini-skirt. I am grateful that I have been able to stop and smell the roses while they are still in the gardens compared to them being on my casket. God has a way of getting your attention. I am glad that my attention has been fully captured. I now know what Christmas is truly about.
